There are few people on earth better equipped with
the natural innate ability to make us feel guilty than our mothers. In our
culture guilt has been instinctively crafted to an art form designed to
influence our behaviors. It is a learned behavior passed on from generation to
generation. Feelings of guilt can be self-inflicted or can be imposed upon us
by other people. When guilt is legitimate, it spurs us to do better. When it is
unwarranted, it only causes anxiety and hinders our ability to make sound
decisions and provide quality care.
As a parent's care needs increase while they
undergo the natural aging process, the amount of time and energy required of
the caregiver increases exponentially. It is very normal to have feelings of
resentment as demands on our time begin to radically change our daily routines.
Often adult children already have their hands full caring for the needs of
their own children. The average woman in America today will spend more time caring
for her parents than for her children. She is typically 45 to 65-year-old
married female with children at home, in college, or with families of their own
and thus can feel herself sandwiched between two generations. As her parents'
needs for assistance increase over time, she often feels as though she simply
cannot do enough for them. Often she will become frustrated when her efforts to
try to "fix" things that go wrong in her parents life begin to create
conflicts in her own life, and the fixes never seem to last. Ultimately she
begins to feel that she is losing control of her life and realizes that things
that were once routine for her and easily manageable are quickly becoming more
than she can handle. Conflicting priorities can often lead to feelings of
helplessness and guilt that she is not doing anything well. This self-imposed
guilt then becomes her constant companion.
Others can also impose guilt upon us. Failures in
our elder caring duties, and obligations to our own families can lead to criticism
from those whose opinions we value most. One is never really prepared to accept
responsibilities thrust upon them by their aging parents. Few people understand
the complexities of health problems, insurance coverage, assisted living and
nursing homes, drug plans, Medicare, legal obligations and other senior-related
issues. Caregivers continuously bombarded by these issues are bound to make
mistakes, which will frustrate them even further. Uninformed family members,
and siblings seeking to offer help, often only serve to highlight the primary
caregiver's shortcomings. Just remember, there is nothing out there that you
can't learn, seek out the advice of professionals such as Geriatric Care
Managers, Eldercare Attorneys, local support groups, and the local library.
Feelings of responsibility set us up for the
probability of occasional feelings of guilt. We must be able to distinguish
between legitimate guilt that motivates us to do better and harmful guilt that
might be undeserved and leave us dispirited.
Sometimes it might be helpful to write down the
things that make you feel guilty. Examine the underlying reasons and determine
if a solution is within your power. Sometimes compartmentalizing a large
problem into several smaller, issues can make things more manageable.
Constantly fretting over what seems to be an insurmountable responsibility can
only lead to more anguish and more guilt. Tackling and completing a few
problems can give you a sense of accomplishment and build your confidence to
handle those never-ending new surprises as they arise. Consider that your
parent may be feeling guilty because of they are imposing on you, while you are
feeling guilty that you don't have the time to do more.1
Also, it is never helpful anguish about the past, concentrate on what can be
done now and resist the temptation to allow old conflicts to create guilt
today.
To determine if the guilt you are feeling is
warranted, ask yourself if you have done everything that is practical and
necessary within your own limitations. What is important is ensuring the
quality of life and meeting the realistic needs of the elderly. It is not your
role to insure everyone's happiness, only your own. Perhaps much of the guilt
comes from thinking that you have more influence than you really do.
Often as the caregiver is pulled in conflicting
directions, she may invite her aging parent to come live with them. Caring for
a loved one at home may not be the best solution for either. Many people have
made promises to each other about their elder care when they are young thinking
the day will never come, but it always does. Often the caregiver struggles to
meet the ever-increasing needs of their loved one at great personal sacrifice.
Be realistic about what level of care that you can safely provide. Financial
resources should be applied before the caregiver themselves begin to weaken.
Often the decision to move out of the home is delayed until a nursing home is
the only option. Consider using the financial resources while she can still
gain some benefit from them in a more social environment. Once the funds are
exhausted, the Medicaid alternative is always available in the nursing home
setting. Many senior living environments can provide the additional cushion of
care for your parent when they really need it. This way professionals can deal
with the issues that may be unfamiliar to you and when you visit your parent,
your time with them can be spent more relaxed. This will help to relieve the
stress that may be building in your relationship, and help to quiet the guilt.
